BLAZEMONGER GOES PRINT


                                        Dan Barrett                                                                          barrett@astro.cs.umass.edu
OK, OK, enough already!! Stop bombarding us with email messages, you rancid PANDA-BAITERS. You want the truth? OK, you got it! Apparently, many people are wondering where BLAZEMONGER INCORPORATED has been during all of this Commodore bankruptcy/negotiation business. As various computer giants took their turns wrestling over Commodore's ashes, where have the creators of BLAZEMONGER, the ULTIMATE computer game, been hiding? And why??

Heh heh heheheh.

Well, for a while, we watched from the sidelines. Then, when Commodore UK and CEI finally got into the act, BLAZEMONGER INCORPORATED was right there, behind the scenes, helping out with the negotiations. Personally, we couldn't BELIEVE how long all those DWEEB LAWYERS went ON and ON. In fact, if it hadn't been for the timely action of our "Customer Service" department, those negotiations might STILL be in limbo. Special thanks go to "Vinnie" for his ingeniously creative and helpful use of razor wire and olive oil. Ooooooeee, that smarts.

Now that Escom has won the battle, we've been involved in SECRET, INTENSE PLANNING SESSIONS with them to decide the future of the Amiga. 68060 CPU? AGA graphics? Built-in neutron BOMB? These are all extremely WIMP-OLA ideas. The final results, when the new Amigas hit the market, will be FAR BEYOND this unimaginative TRASH. Expect to see Cray CPU's, live AQUARIUMS, and LASER DEATH RAY CANNONS built into even the low-end models!!

Ah, but that is not all. Escom has been only a side interest for our company. You see, we've also been working on a TOP SECRET project. It's new. It's FAST. And it's VIOLENT. VERY VIOLENT. The kind of QUALITY you'd EXPECT from the AWESOME creators of "the first computer game with its own Richter Scale rating" [Computer Gaming Monthly].

"But," you ask, in a kindly, innocent voice, the sort that a cute baby lamb might have in a hushed meadow at twinkling twilight, "what in the world could Blazemonger Incorporated be working on if they have already created the 'ultimate' computer game?"

[The next paragraph is a brief, polite summary for all of those nice newcomers in the newsgroup. Old-timers can skip ahead.]

FIRST of all, SHEEP-FACE, it's "BLAZEMONGER INCORPORATED" in ALL CAPITAL LETTERS!! If you don't SHOUT when you SAY IT, you SUCK when you PLAY IT!!!!! (TM) Get a LIFE, get a JOB, and GET A *GRIP*!!

OK, now that that's overwith.... The answer, my friends, is that we haven't been working on a new game. Instead, we've been writing a book.

"A book?"

Yes, a BOOK. One of those FLAT things with PAGES. And it's all about... the life of Commodore! How they began, how they rose to grandeur, how they fell DOWN again, how they came back UP again, how they slipped and FELL on a banana peel, how they climbed back up using only their FINGERNAILS on a BARE ROCK CLIFF FACE, STRUGGLING for NEW LIFE, GASPING, BLEEDING PROFUSELY from every ORIFICE... only to find a pack of ULTRA-VIOLENT JOURNALISTS sitting at the top, writing lies about them. That's where we come in.

Thanks to the EXPERT crew in our "Publications and Supplications" department, we have chronicled the rise and fall (and subsequent rebirth) of Commodore in PERFECT PROSE, GLEAMING GRAPHICS, and unequalled STYLE AND WIT. GRRRAAARRRRGH!!!!

One of the most important issues we faced was, of course, what should the book be called? What title could we invent that would appropriately capture a subject so near and dear to millions of our hearts? We thought of a whole mess of preliminary titles, such as:

So...... after much reasoned deliberation and argument (involving several machetes and a gallon of molten Snapple), we came to the decision that ALL of these titles were WAY WIMPY. NONE of them expressed the true feelings in our souls. So we locked ourselves in a PADDED FALLOUT SHELTER for 48 straight hours and emerged, truimphant, with the ONE TRUE TITLE we knew was meant for our book. Get ready for....

Yes! "CRUSHED SKULLS" is due to SLAM into your local bookstore any day now! It is destined to become CLASSIC of Western (or at least Westchestern) literature! But don't just take our word for it!! See what the reviewers have been saying about our Beta version of "CRUSHED SKULLS":

Now if THOSE reviews don't sell you on the book, I don't know WHAT will! But just in case, here is a brief, SPINE-TINGLING EXCERPT from the book.

From Chapter 5, "Splattered Guts on Virtual Walls"

"As the weeks flew by, and the development team worked diligently on the A3000+ prototype, dark things were afoot. Unknown to those loyal hardware and software designers, the deadly MARKETERS were on the warpath, wielding the ultimate weapon, Fatal Shortsightedness of Doom, and sending it whizzing into the heart of a good idea. 'I remember those days well,' said Mike Sinz. 'We used to hide our designs inside locked safes so the Marketing Department wouldn't know what we were doing. That way, they couldn't discontinue the project.' But it was to no avail. The A3000+ was discovered in a daring, midnight raid on the hacker headquarters, and it vanished into the obscurity of legend."

Check it out, CBM fans! Here's your chance to learn the truth, the WHOLE truth, and NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH (except for the bits we made up). Watch for "CRUSHED SKULLS" any day now, d00dz!!!

Copyright 1995 by Daniel J. Barrett. All rights reserved. This article may be freely distributed as long as it is distributed in its entirety. It may not be included in any publication without the written permission of the author. So nyaaah.

[And yes, Dan lets us print these. But you can't just take it from here and print it yourself. Hahahah. -Jason]